Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Life: Am I lonely? Are my friends really friends?

The trigger for this post was caused by a fleeting feeling of sadness when I realized that very, very few "friends" call me to chat or catchup. And by friends calling me, I mean that they call me maybe once a year sometimes even two years.

Even then, the ratio of me calling them versus they calling me is extremely high. Actually as I write this and except for my family, no one calls me more often and not even close to 50/50.

The sad part is not whether they think of me as a friend or not. I feel more sadness thinking that I am kind of a waste of their time. Should I just stop reaching out? Maybe it is their way of saying not interested?

Does this make me lonely? I am not sure. Maybe it isn't really a feeling of sadness but maybe more like a disappointment that I couldn't be of more value to other people. I also kind of starting to sense that maybe they only talk to me out of pity. Pity of what though?

Or is it this lack of sadness that makes it hard for me to relate to people's need to have friendships that is more regular like on a daily or weekly basis? Even with whom I call my good/best friends, I chat with them maybe on a yearly basis.

Or is it normal to have to put in so much effort to maintain friendships? It doesn't seem like it should to me.

Am I lonely? I do not feel sad about being alone. But this is easy for me to say because I have a loving family although could be a insane sometimes. I sense that I could survive being alone. I could find contentment and occasional happiness. Would I get depressed? Probably not.

Are my friends, friends? Yea, I believe my good friends are. I think I just attract others who are more similar to me, maybe even more of a hermit than me. I fully believe that if I am in need that they will try to be there for me. And if they are ever in need, that I would try to be there for them. By "try", I mean with the best of intentions. I would not expect them to put me over their family nor to put them in any financial risks.

I believe I have less traditionally defined friends. And I am ok with that.

I also believe I have some friends that I would really love to be better friends with that I am not sure if it is reciprocated. Which I am ok with too, but just unsure if I should just not contact them anymore. Or is this deemed more like an investment/insurance in case they would need me? My feelings are a bit complicated on this on whether I should just use that time on finding other people.

Or is my feelings complicated because I seem to spend more time with colleagues than people I really care for? I actually spend more time on this blog than most people too...

But in some sense this blog is kind of my way to communicate without being a burden. Only people who would be very interested would find this. I guess the other is that is mostly for my future self. Or is it for hopes that it could help a completely random person? I don't know... 

Re-reading this blog made me think of the Twitch psychologist, Alok Kanojia. I don't think I am even on that level. I can understand from empirical information. But I have to admit that it is very difficult for me to relate empathetically to the more extreme (imo) feelings. Makes me wonder if that is what differentiates the types of friends we have. In that case, I guess it makes sense that I "keep" a smaller circle. But it is not that I am the one limiting my circle size. Or maybe I am because there are definitely some people I did not want to be close friends with.

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