Life: Am I lonely? Are my friends really friends?

The trigger for this post was caused by a fleeting feeling of sadness when I realized that very, very few "friends" call me to chat or catchup. And by friends calling me, I mean that they call me maybe once a year sometimes even two years.

Even then, the ratio of me calling them versus they calling me is extremely high. Actually as I write this and except for my family, no one calls me more often and not even close to 50/50.

The sad part is not whether they think of me as a friend or not. I feel more sadness thinking that I am kind of a waste of their time. Should I just stop reaching out? Maybe it is their way of saying not interested?

Does this make me lonely? I am not sure. Maybe it isn't really a feeling of sadness but maybe more like a disappointment that I couldn't be of more value to other people. I also kind of starting to sense that maybe they only talk to me out of pity. Pity of what though?

Or is it this lack of sadness that makes it hard for me to relate to people's need to have friendships that is more regular like on a daily or weekly basis? Even with whom I call my good/best friends, I chat with them maybe on a yearly basis.

Or is it normal to have to put in so much effort to maintain friendships? It doesn't seem like it should to me.

Am I lonely? I do not feel sad about being alone. But this is easy for me to say because I have a loving family although could be a insane sometimes. I sense that I could survive being alone. I could find contentment and occasional happiness. Would I get depressed? Probably not.

Are my friends, friends? Yea, I believe my good friends are. I think I just attract others who are more similar to me, maybe even more of a hermit than me. I fully believe that if I am in need that they will try to be there for me. And if they are ever in need, that I would try to be there for them. By "try", I mean with the best of intentions. I would not expect them to put me over their family nor to put them in any financial risks.

I believe I have less traditionally defined friends. And I am ok with that.

I also believe I have some friends that I would really love to be better friends with that I am not sure if it is reciprocated. Which I am ok with too, but just unsure if I should just not contact them anymore. Or is this deemed more like an investment/insurance in case they would need me? My feelings are a bit complicated on this on whether I should just use that time on finding other people.

Or is my feelings complicated because I seem to spend more time with colleagues than people I really care for? I actually spend more time on this blog than most people too...

But in some sense this blog is kind of my way to communicate without being a burden. Only people who would be very interested would find this. I guess the other is that is mostly for my future self. Or is it for hopes that it could help a completely random person? I don't know... 

Re-reading this blog made me think of the Twitch psychologist, Alok Kanojia. I don't think I am even on that level. I can understand from empirical information. But I have to admit that it is very difficult for me to relate empathetically to the more extreme (imo) feelings. Makes me wonder if that is what differentiates the types of friends we have. In that case, I guess it makes sense that I "keep" a smaller circle. But it is not that I am the one limiting my circle size. Or maybe I am because there are definitely some people I did not want to be close friends with.

Life: So sad after accidentally breaking bird eggs

I cannot express enough how sad I am feeling right now. I just returned home from a walk. Our Christmas wreath was still on our door, and for some reason today I decided to take it down. Probably because this was the first time I returned home without my hands full. Because the wreath hung over my head, I grabbed it from the bottom and flipped it upside-down... then suddenly there were a couple splats. I thought it was bird poop, but at closer inspection after I put down the wreath... I noticed they were two tiny eggs.

I feel so sad for the birds. And suddenly a couple puzzle pieces came together. I now recall that there is always a bird that flies away when I open or walk by the door. I know it won't do anything but I put the wreath back but on the ground. I made sure it was rightside-up just in case there were other eggs left in the wreath. It was dark so I couldn't tell. I also just read that most birds won't return if their nest was disturbed so it will unlikely return.

Now I know to take down winter ornaments right away. Sadly, I feel I will remember this every year now.

Life: Acquaintance Took His Own Life

The other day, I heard through a friend that someone I've met on a trip committed suicide. The first and last time I met the person was a few years ago, so I do not remember much except that he was a good person. Even with such a small connection, I was very saddened by the news.

The situation sounded very sudden that my friend knew very little of what happened. So, the news is quite frustrating because... because... it is just not a good feeling to be helpless. So many questions ran through my head, like "was he depressed? how does someone reach such depression?" or "was it loneliness? or bad work environment?" or "what could his friends have done if he shut them out?" or "what would I have done?"

I want to say that I know how depression feels, but to reach that level... I have to accept that I really have no idea. What seems scary was that at the time, he appeared to have good group of friends and family. How can something like that change in a couple years? Perhaps things are not as they seem?

Is it possible to understand such a state? Would he have been able to persuade me his experiences? Or even believe that I understand even if I was capable of understanding? I apologize for not having much constructive to say on this topic.

I do not want to say that there is always someone worse off than you because that means someone is at the bottom. What I am trying to explain is that if you have reached a point where you think the world is better off without you or that if no one would even notice that you are missing, there are so many people out there seeking for help that could be greatly influenced by you in different ways.

I guess what motivates me was my experience volunteering in China. Even though I could barely speak Chinese, I could clearly see how enthusiastic the other volunteers in the group were. They were all local high-school students, college students, and young adults. Even in China standards, they were not well-off but they were always willing to help those even less fortunate. Surprisingly, the people (who we assisted) returned to not only thank us but also assisted in other ways. At some point, I realized that no one really is at the bottom like those considered at the top.

So even if you think you are at the "bottom" of life, there is still others who value you. Those people may not be directly around you, so reach out... you are not alone.


PS, I happened to stumble across this the day after I wrote the above (fate, destiny, coincidence? perhaps):
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2722

11/4/2013
Although no informative results, more awareness cannot hurt:
http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2013/10/a-study-of-suicide-notes-left-by.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BpsResearchDigest+%28BPS+Research+Digest%29

Try hugging a teddy:
http://bps-research-digest.blogspot.com/2013/11/low-self-esteem-and-scared-of-death-try.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BpsResearchDigest+%28BPS+Research+Digest%29